Here comes the hard part

Here comes the hard part:

I (Andrea) thought I'd take a turn and write about Mom. Julie has been great doing the blog. I'm glad we have a talker in the family. :) I woke up and stayed in bed a while, and had many things flooding my mind, so maybe I can get enough thoughts together today to do the blog this time.

I could have said the same things Julie has in her previous posts about her feelings of what is happening. Sometimes I can't figure out if this is a blessing or a curse to know there's not much time left with Mom. Then I realize it's a huge blessing to be able to spend more time with her. Some days feel like I'm already in mourning, and I have to remind myself she's not gone...she's still here. I have to count my blessings.

I know I am happy with Mom. I am happy just talking about nothing with her. Being on the vacation last week was really nice because of that. It was a lot of fun, and wonderful weather. (I think the temperature got about 20 degrees cooler when we crossed the border into Utah). We were sad to come home. Suddenly not being around Mom again made me think about the real situation again. It was nice to have that break, physically and mentally, from the mundane life and cares of the world. I was glad to read that Julie had cried a little at the beginning of the week. I cried a few times, and wasn't sure anyone saw. It really was bitter-sweet like Julie said. But my prayers were answered, and I was able to focus on the good, and think mostly of the present moment. I think that's what I continue to need every day.

The reason I named this blog "here comes the hard part" is that in the past couple weeks, Mom has gone downhill, in a way that's noticeable to all of us. She was in a wheelchair all but one day on the vacation. It seems like each day she is needing to rest more than the last. She said she sleeps ok at night, but gets up a couple times. There has been a lot of muscle loss, she can't turn in bed, and has been lying down a lot during the day too. Julie and I compared it to having a one year old and being pregnant, except she also doesn't feel good. When you ask her how she's doing and she says "okay," you know she doesn't feel good. She's considering calling hospice to get an ENT to help with an annoying problem behind her nose that wakes her up.

I have not been looking forward to watching Mom's health go. Maybe her muscle weakness can actually be helped. It's weird that the weakness happened so quickly if it was just from resting a lot. She's also on a very strict diet, and needs a lot of protein. Maybe she needs even more protein. I want to search for solutions, but I also know that being uncomfortable is inevitable. To put it bluntly, sometimes we all have to accept this is how things are, and learn to live with them... It's just really no fun for anyone. Mom obviously has the health issues to get through. The rest of us have to helplessly watch her get through them. Weds. night Mom talked to a lady from her ward. This sister understood somewhat what Mom was going through, and it touched Mom. I feel bad that no one knows what Mom feels except Mom, but then I realize that Jesus Christ suffered EVERY thing that she will ever go through. There are some times that He is the only one who can understand, heal, or comfort us. I know that, and am so grateful for the peace that comes from the gospel.

A big part of the gospel I couldn't be without is music. Music means so much more to me now. Several hymns suddenly have so much meaning. I love being in the primary and singing the children's songs all the time. The words are so personal. Back in August, Mom said that the words to "I Feel My Savior's Love" describe how she felt. Since Julie already wrote the whole song, I'll just write what stands out to me the most: "He knows I will follow him, Give all my life to him. I feel my Savior's love, The love he freely gives me." I want to ALWAYS feel that way, and do my best, and it's because of my dear Mom. There are a few songs that are difficult to sing, and then the one song I can never sing is "Families Can Be Together Forever."

One reason I haven't written before now is that it was too difficult. I didn't want to cry anymore, and wanted to avoid even thinking about everything. At first I needed to cry and talk, and now I just don't like this AT ALL!!! I get stressed when I think about next year...trying to sell our house, growing our family, and being without Mom, so I just decide not to think of it. I've told Jason that sometimes I want to skip the next few years to where we're happy again..and doing ok...but then I think that Mom won't be there and I change my mind. However, I know this is Heavenly Father's plan. I know we will be happy by following His plan. He knows the things that will help us best--the things that are difficult. I trust Him and believe no matter how hard this is, whatever happens, it is for the best.

President Joseph F. Smith: “I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves.” It makes me happy to think that Mom will be able to be with us and see us.

Elder Richard G. Scott continues: "Relationships can be strengthened through the veil with people we know and love. That is done by our determined effort to continually do what is right. We can strengthen our relationship with the departed individual we love by recognizing that the separation is temporary and that covenants made in the temple are eternal. When consistently obeyed, such covenants assure the eternal realization of the promises inherent in them." I love these modern-day revelations.

Matt 11:29-30 "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Isn't it interesting how certain quotes, songs, or thoughts (inspiration) are heard at just the right time? I know our Heavenly Father is watching us, and wants to help us. I have felt the comfort of the spirit many times in the last few months. I have to keep an eternal perspective. Nothing is permanent. We will all be together again. I hope you don't worry about us too much Mom. You know we'll be watched over just as much as you, now and later. We love you. If I lived closer, I'd come every day and help more. Don't be afraid to call for help (or to kick us out if you need to rest!) :) And remember some of us don't take hints or read minds. Ha ha. Oh yeah, and tell us what to pray for, too.

We have the gospel; the plan of happiness. We can and should be happy. Thanks Mom, for showing us that this is the ONLY way we can truly have joy.