It's hard to say hard things, so I write them instead.

I had this song in my head today, from the primary book (Fathers). But I put these words with the chorus/tune:
Mothers are so special, with a very special love
They watch us and protect us, they guide us and direct us
Back to our home above.

Through this week as I took care of my kids and tried to be a kinder Mother and wife I couldn't help but think, "Did my Mom do these things always with kindness? Did she have the same kind of love for her kids as I do for mine? As a child we don't see the little things as love for us. We see Mom as a mean bossy moody person (at least I did--sorry Mom). And yesterday my daughter said nicely with a slight laugh, "Mom, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, didn't you?" My kids have been more patient with me lately as I have tried hard not to make my mood set them off. My Mom having cancer has changed quite a lot of things with our whole family. The way we eat, why we eat, what we eat. How we treat our family. Trying to do more things that matter more and do less things that matter less. Because I'm certain my Mom is seeing and feeling a lot more of the things that really matter. I wanted to write her a letter and she replied. I hope she doesn't mind if I post them.

Mom,

I know how I feel and what is going on with me and I forget to try to put myself in your shoes. You are strong. At times when you are quiet and not talking I wish I knew what you were thinking and feeling. If you need or want to talk, I want to be there and hear you.

I don't know how all of this is going to end and it is hard to be positive and I deny what may come to pass, but we all (I) want you to know how much you are loved. Thank you for everything you have ever done for us....even down to the littlest things we had no idea you were a part of. Down to flattening the tiny hairs of our heads before school, washing our faces with your spit and a napkin and loving us no matter how much we do wrong. Thank you for teaching us to love the gospel, to love music and to love what the Prophet teaches and how to live to be happy. Thank you for sharing your testimony of the Savior and His love for Us throughout your life with us. You're quiet and shy compared to dad but your quiet strength speaks mounds about your devotion to our Heavenly Father. You are a wonderful example of how to live. Thank you for sharing your love of Temples with our kids, your grand kids. I know our Family will be together Forever and nothing can separate us. What a wonderful Eternal Truth that is, and loving Heavenly Father and Savior we have. I know He drank of the bitter cup so we wouldn't have to. And though this time we're feeling is very bitter, it will be swallowed up in Christ and everything will be made right. I believe you can be healed and live a longer life on the earth. Nothing is impossible to the Lord. And we pray for this.

I love you, Mom.
Love,
Julie

Julie,

This is such a sweet letter. Thank you.

I know this is so hard for everyone and no one would ever choose this, but our Heavenly Father allowed it to happen because he knew it could teach us things that we could learn in no other way. When some days are really hard I sometimes lose hope that I will be healed. Other days I think, wow, is the cancer going away, I feel pretty good. I still pray that I will come to understand this. I know I haven't been perfect in very many things and maybe Heavenly Father thinks that I could progress better on the other side. Of course we have no idea what his plans are. I just wish I could have a total peace that I will be cured by His power, but I know everything is His time table and His will.
Usually when I am not talking, (if it's on the phone) it's probably because I'm so emotional my voice won't work.

I don't know if an instant accident would have been easier for everyone or if this illness is better for everyone to come to terms with things. I heard it takes 2 years no matter what way you lose someone. If they have cancer for a year, it will take another year to fully accept it and move on. If it's an accidental death it will take 2 years to come to terms with it.

Andrea said she wanted me to write a letter to the kids so they will remember me. This is so hard to think of; that my grandchildren won't have my love for them as they grow up. I did write the letters but I don't think I'll give them until I'm near the end because it may be a few years before that happens and then I would change some things in the letters.

It doesn't bother me to think of going to the other side, I just don't want to leave everyone here. I know those in the spirit world are aware of us and can help us through things and that they are kept busy. I just still can't believe this is all happening.

I can't imagine what all of you, my family is going through. I never lost my mother that young. I didn't even lose my grandmas that young.

Some mornings after Dad leaves I fill 6 or more kleenexes with tears, and they are from thinking about the huge separation that will happen if I'm not cured.

I love all of you so much. I can't imagine my life without you.

Thanks for all you do and for your unconditional love.

Love,
Mom